


The Lights Will Guide You Home

by Dont_Stop_Larry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Annual Christmas Fic 4, Best Friends to Lovers, Car Accident, Christmas, Christmas Lights, First Kisses, Happy Ending (I Promise), M/M, No Smut (sorry), Snow, christmas trees, literally all the christmas because i love it so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 17:26:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16937577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_Stop_Larry/pseuds/Dont_Stop_Larry
Summary: The one where two oblivious men haven’t quite figured it out yet - but it may be too late for them.





	The Lights Will Guide You Home

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya, everyone! Finally back and posting again after getting a new and better second job!
> 
> I post a Christmas fic every single year, and to be honest, I've never been 100% satisfied with the ones before this, but with this one, I feel like I got it all right. I really hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Thank yous:
> 
> To myself, for getting this done not only on time, but EARLY (cause it never happens)
> 
> To Chloe, for being my cheerleader and my beta. You're the besttttt I love you!
> 
> To Paige, who has been reading my Christmas fics for four years and loved this one to pieces and encouraged me to post it today. Love you so so much!
> 
> And to all of you, for reading, for giving kudos and comments, and for making me want to write even more fics for you guys. It's always nice to know that your writing touches other people, so thank you so so so much.
> 
> And now - enjoy!

**December 21st**

 

“Oh come on, Lou, you know you’re hopeless at decorating,” Harry chuckled over the phone, and Louis rolled his eyes, but he knew Harry was right. Harry was right most of the time, Louis just didn’t want to admit it.

“Alright, maybe I am, but that doesn’t mean you have to point it out.” Harry laughed again and Louis found himself smiling. His best friend laughed at the stupidest shit. “Are you coming up for Christmas then?” 

 

“Yeah, I want to. I just got time off from work so I should be able to make it for a few days. Gotta have a proper celebration and help you frantically prepare your place for Christmas dinner, right?”

 

“Just know I’ll have my entire main room full of lights so you can hang them to your heart’s desire. I know how much you love them.”

 

“Mum put up the lights at home last week … they look amazing, better than mine, I reckon,” Harry sighed wistfully, and Louis just knew his eyes had gone all glazed. Harry’s love for Christmas lights was a little ridiculous to anyone who didn’t know him, but to Louis, it made perfect sense. “Every light is a little part of Christmas spirit. The more you have, the happier and more willing to give you’ll be. And it’s a way for people who have lost themselves over the year to find their way back home ,” Harry always said, and Louis very nearly missed Harry’s next words, his mind elsewhere. “Are you sure you can even handle that? That’s a big responsibility, Lou …” Harry said slowly, and Louis had to refrain from rolling his eyes.

 

“Stop bashing about my decorating skills, and worry about what you’re getting me this year. It has to top last year’s, you know. I won’t just settle for anything because it’s from you.”

 

“Oh, I know. I’ve had something in mind for a while, actually. I’m hoping you’ll like it.” Harry’s voice sounded suddenly soft, like it got when he was nervous about something, and Louis felt his cocky humor high subside slightly. 

 

“Aww, H, I was just joking. Course I’m gonna love what you get me, even if it’s just a measly pack of Minstrels and a bow for me to wear on my forehead,” Louis insisted, and he thought he could feel Harry smiling through the phone. 

 

“Thanks, Lou. I promise, it’s gonna be huge, though, you’ll have to love it.”

 

“What day are you headed up, then? So I can try to make my flat look somewhat presentable.”

 

There was only a slight hesitation before Harry said firmly, “I think on the 23rd. Just in time for my favorite day of the year …”

 

“Haz, my birthday is not your favorite day of the year, piss off.”

 

Louis laughed, and they chatted for a bit more before Louis’ oven started to smoke and he had to say a quick goodbye to make sure the fire alarm didn’t go off. That had happened one too many times, and Louis figured his landlord wasn’t exactly keen on him after all the complaints he’d gotten. 

 

As he cleaned up the mess of a chicken he’d tried to cook, his mind wandered back to Harry, and he smiled. He and Harry had been best friends for so long, Louis could barely remember how they’d met or what exactly had gone on. They had grown up together, gone to secondary school and Uni together, but now, Louis had a big job in London, something he’d always dreamed of, and Harry was still at home, taking a few more classes before going off to live whatever big dreams he had. He had many, and Louis was sure he’d achieve every single one of them.

 

But this meant that they were no longer living together - Louis had a small flat in East London, and Harry was living in their old shared flat back at home. Louis missed Harry. He missed how compulsively neat he was, he missed waking up to a full English every Sunday, and he missed cuddles with his Hazza. And now Harry had finally gotten time off and was coming for Christmas. Everyone else was too, but Louis was most excited about Harry, if he was being honest. It had been almost 6 months since they’d seen each other in person, and Louis was just ready to be able to hug his best friend again. 

 

He finally got the kitchen cleaned up and ordered takeout, figuring he’d try again when Harry was there and could oversee (or just do) all the cooking. For now, he was ready for a night in.

 

*              *              *

 

Louis heard a loud ringing by his head, and he knew it was his phone, but his half asleep brain made him swat at the air above his head anyway, hoping that would do the trick and it would stop ringing. It did, and Louis turned over, falling almost immediately back into a doze.

 

It started again, and Louis rolled over with a loud grumble, wondering who on Earth could possibly want to talk to him at this time of night. When he saw Harry’s mum’s name on the screen, he sighed and picked up.

 

“Hullo?”

 

“Lou, oh, thank god you answered,” Anne said, her voice shaking, and Louis was suddenly much more awake, despite the early hour. 

“Anne, is everything alright?” He asked, almost fearing the answer.

 

“No, no, it’s awful, it’s Harry, he …”

Louis’ heart dropped like a stone into his stomach, and he felt suddenly light headed. “What? What happened to Harry?”

 

“There was a car accident, some fucking idiot wasn’t watching where he was going, and it was snowing, and Harry was … Oh god, he’s in the hospital, Louis. It’s bad. You need to be here.”

 

Louis was out of bed and half dressed before Anne had even finished speaking. “I’m on my way, I’m coming. Be there in a few hours.” He hung up the phone and chucked it onto the bed, tugging on joggers, a baggy t-shirt that he was pretty sure was Harry’s from their Uni days, and Vans. 

His heart was beating a violent tattoo against his chest. What had happened to Harry? How bad was it? He knew Anne wouldn’t have called him in hysterics if it was good news, and the thought made him feel sick. He had to get there. He had to get to Harry, as quickly as possible. 

 

He ran out of his apartment, ignoring the biting cold wind. He’d forgotten a jacket, but he didn’t have time to waste going back for it. Sliding into his freezing car, he turned it over and punched the gas, speeding out onto the road and towards Harry. 

 

*              *             *

 

Louis had never driven so far over the speed limit before, but he didn’t care. He sped down the motorway, urging his car to go faster, even though he was the one in control of it. His head was spinning, trying to wrap his mind around what might possibly be waiting for him at the hospital.

When he arrived, he swerved into a parking spot and jumped out, slipping on the snow-covered ground and nearly locking his keys in the car. Frantically, he burst through the doors and immediately took the stairs. Anne had texted him details as soon as she’d had them, and Louis had no patience to wait for an elevator. 

He emerged onto the ward and skidded to a halt in front of the main desk, panting. The nurse behind it looked up, her expression slightly annoyed that she was being interrupted.

 

“I’m here … to see … Harry Styles …” Louis managed to get out, still trying to catch his breath. The nurse glanced at him, unimpressed, and then looked back at her computer. 

 

“Are you family?” She asked in a bored tone, and Louis shook his head. 

 

“No, no, but I’m his best friend, I have to be here. I have to see him.”

 

“If you aren’t family, then you aren’t authorized to visit him until visiting hours open,” the nurse replied. Louis was getting frustrated now. 

 

“I’m sorry, miss, but you don’t understand. He is my best friend. We’re basically brothers. More than brothers. His mother called me as soon as he was admitted, you’ve got to let me go to him.”

 

“If you aren’t family, you aren’t authorized to-” the nurse began again, but then someone came hurrying down the hallway, calling Louis’ name. Louis looked up and saw Anne running towards him, her eyes red and her hair a mess, still dressed in her dressing gown and nightdress. 

 

“Louis, you’re here!” she cried, nearly crushing him in a hug. 

 

“Anne, they won’t let me back, said I have to be family,” Louis said, the reality of what was happening finally sinking in. Harry was back there, probably in pretty bad shape, and Louis was doors away and they weren’t going to let him in.

 

“He’s with me,” Anne said firmly to the nurse, who just waved her hand, obviously not bothered enough to argue with them any more. 

 

Louis followed Anne down the hallway, the walls seeming to press inwards the closer they got to the end. 

 

“So, umm …” Louis stuttered, not quite knowing how to ask what he wanted to know. But Anne knew. She had always known Louis almost better than Harry did, and definitely better than Louis knew himself, and she answered slowly, as though wanting to let Louis get hold of what she was saying. 

 

“They said that the other driver was drunk. He fell asleep at the wheel and sped through a traffic light. Harry tried to stop, but the snow, it just got under his tires and…“ Anne took a breath, obviously trying to stay calm. Louis wished he had words of comfort for her, but he was just as terrified. “His car flipped over. When they found him, he was crushed between the seat and the wheel. They haven’t told us exactly what’s going on yet, they’re still doing tests. He just got out of emergency surgery. We’re waiting to be let in right now.”

 

Louis nodded, not able to find any words. Just thinking about Harry, his Harry, stuck in the cold in a totaled car with no one to help him made him sick. He needed to see him, he needed it right now. 

 

Anne turned a corner and the corridor opened into a small sitting area, where Robin and Gemma were sitting, waiting. Both of them were in their night clothes as well, looking rumpled and worn out and scared. Gemma smiled only slightly at the sight of Louis, and Robin gave a curt nod, turning his head back over his shoulder to look for anyone coming out of what must have been Harry’s room. 

 

Louis wanted to sit - he was exhausted and worn out, but he couldn’t. He was fidgeting too much. He needed to get up, walk around, let some of his nervous energy out. 

 

“M’gonna call Mum. She should know too,” Louis mumbled, and without looking back, he left the small area, walking off down a deserted and quiet hallway. His hands shook as he found his mum’s contact and dialed. 

 

“Lou, love, it’s 4 in the morning,” Jay’s voice sounded weary and tired, and Louis felt horrible for having woken her, but he had to tell her. 

 

“Mum, I … I’m in Holmes Chapel. Harry’s in the hospital. I just … I wanted you to know, so in case you wanted to … to visit, or something …” he broke off, his throat feeling extremely tight. He could feel tears burning in his eyes. Somehow, saying it out loud made it worse. 

 

“Oh, Lou … are you alright?” 

 

Louis bit his lip. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to say that Harry was going to be fine and that everything was okay, but it wasn’t. He knew nothing. And it scared him.

 

“I … I don’t know, I don’t know what’s happening, I just got the phone call and I …” Louis sucked in a breath, but it was too late. The tears were already dripping down his cheeks, and he leaned against the wall, sliding down it until he was sat on the floor. “Mum, I don’t know if he’s going to …  _ fuck _ …”

 

“Lou, love, it’s alright. He’s gonna be okay.” Jay’s voice was soothing, but for once, it wasn’t making Louis feel any better. 

 

“But we don’t know that. You don’t know that. He could be dying and I can’t help him, I can’t do anything but sit here and w-wait.”

 

“You being there for him is enough, darling. You’re doing everything you can.”

 

Louis wanted to say something back, to argue or to yell or scream or something, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. A sob ripped its way out of his throat and he buried his face in his knees, hugging himself. Jay kept talking, saying kind things and slowly calming him down with the sound of her voice. 

“Mum, I need you here. I … I can’t do this by myself, and I know Anne’s here, and Robin and Gemma too, but they’re just as scared as me, they need someone to be strong for them and I can’t do it … it hurts too much ...please,” Louis begged, feeling a bit pathetic, but he couldn’t help it. Jay had always been the one person, other than Harry, that could make him feel better and help him cope. He was never good at coping alone. 

 

“I’ll be in later, alright? You just hang in there, darling. Harry’s strong, he’ll make it through this, no matter what. As long as he has you, he can make it through anything.”

 

“Th-thank you, thank you so much, I … I’m sorry about this, I know you have the kids to worry about …” Louis began, suddenly feeling guilty, but Jay interrupted him.

 

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll get one of the girls to watch the young ones. I’ll be there in a few hours, yeah?”

 

“Yeah. Love you, Mum.”

 

“Love you too.”

 

Louis hung up, pulling himself to his feet and walking over to the window, looking out at the snow covered streets. He didn’t understand how something so horrible could happen on such a beautiful night. And at Christmas, the most amazing and magical time of the year. He swallowed and cleared his throat before walking back down the hallway and towards Harry’s family. 

 

He reached them and was just about to sit down when a doctor emerged from a room a few doors down from the sitting area, and Robin, Anne, and Gemma all got to their feet, trying not to seem too anxious. Louis remained where he was, on Gemma’s right, waiting as the doctor paused in front of them. 

 

“I take it you must be Harry’s family,” the doctor said kindly, and they all nodded, even Louis. “My name is Dr. Tocatta. I’m the surgeon who operated on Mr. Styles earlier this evening.”

 

Louis waited with bated breath, hoping that the next words that came out of Dr. Tocatta’s mouth were going to be something about a “full recovery”. 

 

“And?” Anne asked, her voice quiet, and Dr. Tocatta took a breath before beginning to speak. 

 

“It seems that, when the car flipped, Harry suffered from an Anoxic brain injury, which is caused by lack of oxygen to the brain. The position he was in when the car flipped caused him to be unable to breathe, and therefore caused his body to shut down.”

 

Louis was silent, but getting more and more terrified by the moment. Why wasn’t the doctor reassuring them that everything was going to be okay? Why was he acting like something else had gone wrong? 

 

“When we operated, we managed to stop the bleeding on his brain, which was essential at this stage. However, because of the lack of oxygen, he remains in a coma. We’ve put him on oxygen and have him under careful observation.”

 

“Oh, god, my baby,” Anne whispered, and Gemma put her arm around her mother. Louis wished he had the strength to bear Anne’s pain as well as his own. “Will he wake up?”

 

“That remains to be seen. With an injury like this, we could be looking at anywhere from a few days to a few weeks,” Dr. Tocatta said, and Louis couldn’t bear the look on Anne’s face at that moment.

 

“So what happens next, sir?” Robin asked, sounding as desperate for news as Louis felt. 

 

“Well, there are a few options. On the off chance that he wakes up within 48 hours, we will continue to observe him for at least three days after he becomes conscious. But there is a slight possibility that he may not wake up at all. If the bleeding on his brain returns and we cannot stem the flow, he may become brain dead.”

 

“What does that mean?” Gemma asked, and Louis feared he already knew the answer before Dr. Tocatta gave it.

 

“That means that he will have no further chance of waking up. He will, essentially, be a human body kept alive by machinery. However, it should not come to that. The chances of that happening with this type of injury are rare.”

 

There were more words exchanged, but Louis wasn’t listening anymore. His best friend was in a coma. Louis would walk into that room and see Harry hooked up to multiple machines, breathing only with the assistance of tubes up his nose, helpless. He felt his breath coming in short pants, and he forced himself to sit down, head hanging between his legs as he tried to get hold of himself. 

 

He felt a hand on his shoulder but he didn’t look up. He didn’t want whoever it was to see him cry. 

 

“Louis … Dr. Tocatta said we can go in now … did you want to come?” It was Gemma. Louis would know her voice anywhere … she sounded just like Harry. He looked up at her.

 

“I … I can’t. Not yet, I just … gimme a minute, yeah?” Louis said, wiping his face. Gemma nodded, turning to follow Anne and Robin down the hall, leaving Louis alone in the waiting area. 

 

Louis honestly couldn’t allow himself to feel right now. He pushed it all away, locked it in a far part of his brain. He couldn’t afford to break. Harry needed him to be strong, he needed him to be there for him. Louis took a few deep breaths, gripping his knees in an effort to bring himself back to a reality of numb disbelief instead of the crushing weight of what might happen. 

 

Louis didn’t know how long he sat out there, alone, staring at the bland cream walls of the hospital, but eventually, Harry’s family came back out. Anne went off to the desk to fill out paperwork, followed closely by Robin. Gemma took a seat next to Louis. 

 

“How bad is he?” Louis found himself asking, his voice sounding distant to his own ears. 

 

“He’s … well, he’s not at his absolute best, but you know,” Gemma said, trying for a laugh, but Louis couldn’t. He just couldn’t laugh when Harry might be dying just a few feet away from him. 

 

It was silent for a little while longer, but then Louis finally found his voice again. “Will you come in with me? I don’t … I don’t know if I can be alone with him.” He hated how small his voice sounded, but Gemma didn’t seem bothered. She nodded and stood up, offering out her hand to Louis. Louis took it, and together, they walked a little ways down the corridor, stopping in front of a wooden door with a small covered window. 

 

“You ready, Lou?” Gemma asked, and Louis shook his head, but reached for the door handle anyway. He pushed the door open with a whooshing noise, and stepped inside, Gemma behind him. 

 

His eyes took in the room, bland white, with fluorescent lighting making the walls glow in a slightly sickening way. Louis really hated hospitals. But then his eyes landed on Harry, and all the breath seemed to leave his body. 

 

Harry’s dark curls were in extreme contrast to the crisp white of the bandage on his head and the pillows beneath him. His eyelashes were fanned out over his cheeks, casting small shadows among the tiny cuts, presumably from glass, that littered his skin. The hospital gown was ill fitting, slipping off one shoulder and exposing a dark purple bruise along his collarbone. There were tubes everywhere, in his arms, in his hands, in his nose, in his mouth. The blankets were folded down carefully at his waist, and his hands lay on top of them, one encased in a black brace. 

 

Louis was shaking - he knew it because Gemma’s hand was suddenly in his again, squeezing it for comfort. Louis couldn’t move. He couldn’t get closer, and yet all he wanted to do was run to Harry’s side and grab his hand and wake him up. 

 

“Fuck, Harry,” Louis whispered, and Gemma’s grip tightened once more. Louis took in several deep breaths and shuffled a little closer, afraid that something bad might happen if he got too close. 

 

“I can … I can give you a minute with him, if you’d like,” Gemma suggested quietly. Louis wasn’t quite sure if he wanted that, if he could actually do that, but he found himself nodding numbly anyway. He felt the pressure on his hand disappear, heard the door close quietly behind him, and then it was just himself and Harry, alone in the hospital room. 

 

It had never been awkward with him and Harry, not once. Not even on the day they met. Even when there was silence, it was comfortable and familiar. But not this time. No, this time, Louis felt seconds away from being sick as he took a few steps nearer his unconscious best friend, until he was standing right next to him. 

 

“Harry, umm … it’s me, it’s Lou.” Louis sat down in the hard plastic chair and reached for Harry’s limp hand, just needing to have some sort of contact with him. “I know you can’t hear me, but I need you to know that I’m here. I’m right here. And I’m not going until you wake up, yeah? You’ll have to suffer seeing my ugly mug first thing when you open your eyes.”

 

Louis let out a weak chuckle at his own words, imagining Harry protesting strongly to his own description of himself, telling him he always looked beautiful. He bit his lip to stop the tears that had formed quite fast in the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t think of Harry in the past like that, not when he was right in front of him, still breathing. 

 

He tried to speak several more times, but found that he had no words. He just sat there, holding Harry’s hand, tracing the veins on the back of it, turning it over and running his fingers over the lines on his palm. It took him several minutes to realize that he was crying. Seeing Harry like this, his Harry, his strong, ever present, hyperactive Harry, was too much. He lay his forehead down on the edge of the white sheet-covered mattress as his body shook, and just stayed there until exhaustion took over him. 

  
  


*              *              *

 

**December 22nd**

 

Louis felt something warm touch him and he was instantly awake, looking around and expecting to see Harry awake and grinning at him like he always did. But Harry was as still and unconscious as before, and someone was standing behind him. He turned and barely registered the soft face of his mother above him as everything from the night before came crashing back and tears were cascading down his cheeks. 

 

“Oh, Lou,” Jay whispered, and Louis stood up, burying his face in his mother’s shoulder as he sobbed. He wasn’t even sure where his tears were coming from - after last night, he thought he’d be all cried out, but he’d been wrong. 

 

He stayed there, wrapped in his mother’s arms, until his tears subsided. “S-sorry, Mum. Don’t know what came over me …”

“You’re alright, love. It’s a bit overwhelming. How long have you been here?”

 

“Mmm … not sure,” Louis mumbled, rubbing his eyes and trying not to look over at Harry. He must have fallen asleep, and the curtains were closed tightly over the windows, so he had no idea what time it really was. “Think I fell asleep. What time is it?”

 

“Nearly half eight. Have you eaten?”

 

Louis almost laughed at how motherly she was being. Even at 23 years old, she still saw him as her baby son sometimes, and there were times, like now, for instance, when he didn’t mind it so much. 

 

“I didn’t think about eating. I just … umm, I needed to get here.”

 

Jay nodded in understanding, her hand coming to rest on Louis’ arm. Louis let his eyes close, realizing then just how exhausted and hungry he was. “Want to go get some food, love?”

 

Louis looked over at Harry for the first time since waking up. He didn’t want to leave him in case he woke up, but he needed to get out of this room. He needed to collect his thoughts, and Harry would never forgive him for starving himself on his behalf. He nodded and followed Jay into the hallway. 

 

They made their way down to the hospital cafeteria in relative silence, and it was killing Louis inside. He wasn’t sure how to cope with all of the thoughts and emotions in him right now, but he also didn’t want to start crying again. So he just kept quiet as they moved through the line. Louis picked up a bag of crisps and an apple, bypassing the unidentifiable foods in trays and settling down at the single table. He tore the bag open and shoved a few crisps into his mouth as Jay sat down. Louis felt like Jay wanted to say something, but he couldn’t find it in himself to invite her to speak. Instead, he looked around at the bland room, wrinkling his nose at the mixed smells of so many strange foods. Hospitals really were pretty mediocre places. 

 

“Lou … do you want to talk about it? Tell me what happened?”

Louis felt himself stiffen, but this was his mother. If he could talk to anyone and not be embarrassed about his emotional reaction, it was his mum. And she was right, he probably needed to talk about it. 

 

“I just … I don’t even know, Mum. I got the call and I knew something was wrong before Anne even said anything. And as soon as I knew Harry was … that he, um …” Louis swallowed hard. “I had to be here. There wasn’t even a question about it. I couldn’t not be here for him.”

 

Louis looked up and caught his mother giving him a calculating look, almost as if she expected him to say something more. To save himself the trouble of asking or of making something up, he bit into his apple. 

 

“Did they tell you what happened?” Jay asked after another minute or so of silence, and Louis nodded, feeling a lump grow in his throat as he remembered the doctor’s words from last night. 

 

“They said he had some sort of head injury, bleeding on the brain, no oxygen. It was … it’s bad. They said he might not …” Louis stopped talking, cutting himself off from saying the words he dreaded. Speaking them out loud made it more realistic, like it was an actual possibility.

 

“Harry’s a strong boy. And why wouldn’t he come back, when he’s got you waiting for him?”

 

Louis stopped mid-bite, feeling his eyebrows rise in slight confusion. “I doubt I have anything to do with him waking up, but thanks, Mum.”

 

Jay rolled her eyes and reached across the table to put her hand on top of Louis’. “But Lou, don’t you … I thought you knew that you, well, I just figured you’d have told him by now.”

 

“Told him what?” Louis asked, slightly nervous now that he’d been supposed to tell Harry something important about dinner or Christmas this year.

 

“Well, that you love him.”

 

“I tell him that all the time, Mum. What are you getting at?”

Jay took a breath. “I mean that you’re  _ in _ love with him.”

 

Louis choked on his crisps, spraying them everywhere as he comprehended the words that had just fallen from his mum’s lips. “That I … what?”

 

“Well, it’s true, isn’t it?” Jay persisted, and Louis searched her face for any sign of a joke, but she was leveling a perfectly measured and serious look at him. 

 

“I … don’t, Mum. I’m not in love with Harry. He’s my best mate, but … no, we don’t … we never …” Louis was stuttering and he knew it, but he had no idea how he was supposed to tell her that it just wasn’t true. He felt like he had to give her a lengthy explanation, that he had to cover every point just so she knew where he was at. But was he there at all? Everything was very confusing just now. 

 

“Oh, don’t pretend you don’t feel it. You’ve got to. I saw you kiss him at the Christmas party last year. You can’t tell me that didn’t mean something.”

 

Louis blushed furiously, remembering that moment with perfect clarity. He wasn’t sure why he was blushing, though. His mum had seen much worse than a kiss between friends. “We were under the mistletoe, Mum. We had to. It didn’t mean anything, honestly.” He was feeling a bit frantic now, but he couldn’t figure out why he should have any reason to feel that way. He and Harry were friends. Best friends. That’s all.

 

Jay shook her head and took a last gulp of the water in front of her. “Alright, sweetheart, I believe you. I just thought maybe it meant something, but I guess I was wrong.” She cleared up her and Louis’ trash and tossed it in a nearby bin. “You want to go back up to him?”

 

Louis nodded. He was feeling a bit jittery now, and even if Harry wasn’t awake, his presence calmed Louis down. He wanted to be with him, watch over him, make sure that nothing happened to him. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself otherwise. 

 

Jay walked with him up to the correct floor and then kissed his cheek. “I’m gonna go pick Lottie up. She got stuck at a cafe about 30 km out of town. She was coming to meet us here. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

 

Louis just nodded again, and watched until Jay had turned the corner before he headed back down the nearly silent hall towards Harry’s room. 

 

When he entered, it was to find Anne, Robin, and Gemma settled around his bed, the TV on, and for a moment, Louis thought Harry had woken and they were just having a quiet moment of relief with him, but his heart sank as he saw Gemma holding Harry’s still limp hand on top of his covers. 

 

“Oh, I … I’m sorry, I can leave,” Louis said, feeling suddenly out of place with Harry surrounded by his family, but Gemma stood at once. 

 

“No, Lou. You’re family too. And if you’re here, that means we can get some food, right?” She turned towards her parents at that, and Anne hesitated.

“I’m not sure, Gems … I don’t think I should leave him …”

 

“Come on, love, he’ll be alright for a few minutes. He wouldn’t want you to go hungry,” Robin persuaded, and Gemma nodded in agreement. 

 

“Yeah, Mum. Louis and Robin will look after him. Come get some food with me.”

 

Anne looked from Louis to Robin and then at Harry, and Louis tried for a smile, hoping that it would reassure her. 

 

“Lou, you don’t mind, do you?”

 

“Of course not,” Louis said automatically, moving into the room and kissing Anne on the cheek as she passed him. Louis settled down in Gemma’s empty seat next to Harry’s bed and immediately took hold of Harry’s hand, being careful not to move it awkwardly and dislodge the needle. 

 

Louis had known Robin ever since Anne first brought him home and introduced him as her boyfriend. He had been at their wedding, and had spend plenty of time with Harry and his family. Being alone with Robin, though, was something new to Louis, and he wasn’t quite sure what to say, especially considering it had been silent when he’d walked in. Maybe Robin dealt with his grief in silence - Louis didn’t know and he didn’t want to make things any worse for him. 

 

“Harry would be so happy that you’re here, Louis,” Robin said quite suddenly, and Louis jumped at the sound of his deeper voice in the heavy silence of the hospital room. Louis shrugged. 

 

“Of course I’m here. Although, you know Anne could have called anyone and they’d be here for him.”

 

“But that’s just it. She didn’t call just anyone, she called you. She called the one person Harry would want to see at any time of the day or night.” Robin took a breath and Louis finally looked up from Harry’s hand, locking eyes with Robin as he started speaking again. “He’s … well, he’s different around you. He has so many friends, but when you’re the one texting him, his whole face lights up.”

 

“We’ve been best friends for so long, I guess that’s what it is,” Louis mumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up. Robin, however, just shook his head and smiled slightly. 

 

“I may not be the most observant guy, I’ll admit to that. But something about you makes Harry happier than anyone else. When you’re with him, he becomes almost … softer, in a way. Like he’s letting his guard down completely.” 

 

Louis looked down again, not sure what to think. He and Harry had always been close, even when they’d first met, and that’s just how it was with them. It never meant anything more than friendship … or had it?

 

“He really misses you, you know,” Robin said after a bit more silence, and Louis pressed his lips together, firmly ignoring the rush of emotion he felt as he looked at Harry’s blank face. “He’s always turning to someone who isn’t there. He talks about you all the time like you’re still living right down the road instead of hours away in London. He still calls his flat “our flat”.”

 

Louis gave a weak chuckle at that, knowing how used to things Harry got and how hard it was to break him of certain habits. But as the silence pressed down on them again, his mind went back to his earlier thought, and voiced it before he could lose his nerve. 

 

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked quietly, and Robin looked confused, as though Louis’ question was not one he had expected in the slightest.

 

“Just thought you’d want to know. He loves you, Louis. He’s never loved anyone the way he loves you.”

 

Robin’s words hit Louis hard. The way he described Harry’s love made it seem like it was way more than the platonic kind of love that came with being best friends. The thought of it made his stomach flip.

 

The door opened and Anne and Gemma came back in, each holding a bottle of water and some food. Robin stood, throwing one last look back at Louis before leaving the room to eat with Anne. 

 

“What did you guys talk about?” Gemma asked as she took a seat opposite Louis on the other side of Harry’s bed. 

 

“Not much, just … Harry, mostly,” Louis answered, but his mind wasn’t really with the conversation. It was whirring, as if trying to come to a conclusion that was right on the edge of his thoughts. 

 

*              *              *

 

“Louis, please, you need to get out of the hospital for a bit,” Anne begged, but Louis shook his head, staying firmly in his seat next to Harry. Anne had been pleading with him for nearly half an hour, but Louis was adamant. He didn’t want to leave Harry’s side, not till he’d woken up. He was afraid that something would happen while he was gone and he wouldn’t be able to do anything. 

 

“Anne, I can’t, I don’t want to leave him,” he repeated stubbornly, and Gemma rolled her eyes at him. 

 

“Louis Tomlinson, get your ass off that chair and go to ours and get a shower and a change of clothes. God knows you need it. I’ll be here with him and I’ll call you if anything happens.”

 

Louis looked at her, and she glared right back. Louis had forgotten that Gemma was just as stubborn, even more so, than he was. Just like Harry. 

 

“Fine,” he grumbled finally, and Anne threw her hands up in celebration, kissing Gemma on the cheek in thanks. Anne exited the room to sit with Robin, and Louis turned back to Harry, rubbing a thumb over his cheek carefully. 

 

“I’ll be back, Haz. Promise. Just need to do a few things, but I’ll come straight back. Don’t do anything crazy without me, Styles.” 

 

Louis leaned in and pressed his lips gently to Harry’s forehead and then headed for the door. He could feel Gemma’s eyes on him, but ignored them, and it was only when he was turning over his car did he realize what he’d done. But it meant nothing. He kissed Harry’s forehead all the time. That’s just how it was with them. That was all. 

 

The drive to Anne’s house was silent, as he couldn’t bring himself to turn on any music. The thoughts in his head were loud enough without adding lyrics and the steady thump of drums to the noise. 

 

When he reached the house, he sighed, feeling like everything was alright again. He was back here, at Harry’s house, where they’d spent countless years climbing the tree in the front yard and having epic snowball fights on the rare occasions that they got snow. 

 

Using the spare key under the doormat, he let himself in and closed the door behind him, taking a look around. Not much had changed, other than a few pictures having been added to the walls. The colors were the same. The couch in the den off to his right was the same. The stairs curved up towards the second floor and were decorated lavishly with fake light-up garland. Harry must have decorated ages ago - this definitely had his decorating skill written all over it.

 

Louis took a few steps into the house, hanging his jacket up on a hook and admiring the pictures. Anne had always been the one to insist on proper pictures at every event they had, even if he and Harry were just having a sleepover. He caught sight of several pictures of Harry and Gemma throughout the years, and then his eyes landed on one in particular, and he gasped, touching the frame lightly with his fingertips. 

 

It had been at Christmas, and Louis only knew because Harry had begged him to wear one of his Christmas sweaters for the occasion. Harry’s arms were wrapped around Louis’ waist from behind and they were both laughing - Harry had been tickling Louis’ sides as the picture was taken. It had been the same night as their one and only kiss, and Louis’ eyes moved from the picture to the entryway to the kitchen. He remembered every second of that moment -  Harry’s sly glance up at the bundle of white berries, his eggnog tilting dangerously in his hand, his own hesitancy and yet full desire to do exactly what they were supposed to do when people got caught under the mistletoe, the feeling of Harry’s warm, soft lips against his own, just for a moment.

 

Louis shook himself and hurried up the stairs, suddenly feeling the need to wash off the hospital smell from his skin and get out of his clothes. He stripped and turned the water as hot as it would go, letting it nearly scald his skin as he scrubbed himself down. 

 

He stepped out of the shower, his skin a little pink, and wrapped a towel around his waist, suddenly realizing that he had no other clothes to change into. He walked across the hall and flipped on the light of a room he remembered almost too well, hoping and praying that Harry had left some of his clothes here. 

 

Upon opening the closet doors, he saw that Harry had indeed left clothes here, and he pulled out an old jumper and a pair of skinny jeans, tugging them both on. He spent several minutes rolling up the jeans, but he left the sleeves of the jumper hang over his hands, wanting to feel cozy. 

 

After towelling his hair dry, he headed back downstairs, turning on Christmas lights and such as he went, and made himself a hot cup of tea, settling at the kitchen table and staring out the window, thinking about Harry, wishing he was back at the hospital with him right now. But Anne and Gemma had both been right, he needed to get out of there. As much as he wanted to be there for Harry, the confining white walls and antiseptic smell of the building was making him feel ill. 

 

It was a few hours before Anne arrived home with Robin, and Louis was still sat at the table, cradling his now cold cup of tea. 

 

“Gonna whip up some dinner, love, you hungry?” Anne asked, but Louis shook his head. His stomach was churning with anxiety - he couldn’t eat right now. 

 

“Maybe later, thanks,” he responded, pouring his cold tea down the drain. Anne looked him over and smirked. 

 

“Harry did always like you wearing his jumpers. Said it made you look like a little pixie.”

 

“Oh, fucking hell,” Louis mumbled, but he was smiling too, imagining Harry standing right next to him, ruffling his still damp hair and saying,  _ Look at my little pixie Lou _ . “I … I miss his voice,” Louis blurted out, but Anne’s expression told him that he wasn’t the only one.

 

“Me too, darling. But we’ll be hearing it again soon enough. Just have to wait till he’s awake.”

 

Louis nodded, unsure of what else to say. He wanted to comfort her, but he had no words for it. They were all just stuck in this limbo, waiting, wondering, worrying.

 

“Gonna head back to the hospital. Give Gemma a break.”

 

Anne caught hold of his sleeve as he tried to walk past her. “Not without dinner, you’re not. Harry would come for my neck if I let his Louis go hungry.”

 

Louis realized he wasn’t getting out of this one, and he sat back down at the table, trying not to dwell too much on how Anne had just called him Harry’s.

  
  


*              *              *

 

**December 23rd**

 

Louis hadn’t slept a wink that night. As exhausted as he was, he knew that, being the only person with Harry, he couldn’t afford to fall asleep. If anything happened, it would be his fault. So he’d stayed awake all night, just sitting next to Harry and talking every now and then. He wasn’t sure why, exactly, but he felt like telling Harry stories was the right thing to do. It kept him busy thinking about things other than Harry’s predicament. 

 

He settled back down in his chair next to Harry, a pot of yoghurt and a warm cup of tea in his hands. He took a cautious sip - it wasn’t as good as Harry’s, but it would do for hospital tea. He had just gotten a text from Anne saying they’d be in soon  - they would have been in that morning, but they’d had to make several calls to family and such - and he knew his mum and Lottie were coming in today too, but if he was being honest, he liked having time alone with Harry. Even though he was beyond worried that they had reached the 36 hour mark and Harry still hadn’t woken up, this was the only time he’d spent with his best friend in almost half a year. He missed it, all of it. 

 

“Oh, god, Haz, they had nachos down there, like nachos with cheese and beef and shit, and they looked bloody awful. I almost ate some anyway, just because I wanted to see if they were worse than the ones we got that time we went to America and bought them off a street vendor in an alley, but figured I’d better not poison myself.” Louis took a generous spoonful of yoghurt and choked, nearly spitting it out again. “Well, this yoghurt isn’t doing me any favors, is it?”

 

He put the yoghurt to the side, imagining Harry laughing at him as he swallowed a generous amount of hot tea to get the taste out of his mouth. He chanced a glance at the clock, which read 12:50 PM, and then back at Harry. He reached up and brushed his curls away from his forehead. It was habit - Harry’s hair was forever falling in his face and he refused to fix it, instead glaring awkwardly up at the springy curls until Louis moved them for him. 

 

The door opened behind him and he turned quickly, removing his hand from Harry’s cheek, as Anne and Robin came in, holding hands and looking better rested than they had last time Louis had seen them. 

 

“Thank you for being here, Louis,” Anne said softly, coming over quickly to hug him. 

 

“There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be,” Louis mumbled into her ear, and he found that, surprisingly, the words weren’t just those of comfort. Yeah, the food sucked, and yeah, he was tired, and yeah, his back was killing him from sleeping upright, but he didn’t care. Wherever Harry was was where he wanted to be. 

 

“Did you want to go home, get some sleep?” Anne asked as she and Robin pulled up chairs. Louis shook his head.

 

“Nah, I’m alright. Don’t want to leave him,” Louis admitted, reaching for Harry’s hand. Anne’s eyebrows raised slightly, but at that moment, Harry’s hand twitched in his, and Louis’ eyes snapped onto him, his heart soaring at the thought of Harry finally being awake. But it was the opposite, and Louis’ stomach clenched. Harry’s whole body was moving strangely, jerking out of control, his body arching off the bed.

 

Robin ran for the door, yanking it open and screaming for help, but Louis didn’t hear a word he said. He gripped Harry’s hand very tightly and sank to his knees next to the bed.

 

“Harry, oh god, please no,” he whispered over and over again, hoping in vain that his grip on Harry’s hand would stop him from seizing. 

 

Voices surrounded him and several doctors and nurses came through to the room, including Dr. Tocatta. There were people everywhere, people telling him he had to move, he had to get out of the room, but Louis wouldn’t budge. He couldn’t leave Harry, not like this. 

 

“Sir, please, you have to leave,” one of the doctors said firmly, pulling Louis up off the floor and trying to tug Harry’s hand out of his grip. 

 

“No, I can’t leave him,” Louis repeated over and over again, struggling to throw off their grip. Harry suddenly went limp, and the sound of a loud, constant beep made Louis’ heart skip several beats, his throat constricting. 

 

“He’s gone into cardiac arrest, get the code team in here now,” Dr. Tocatta shouted, and people whooshed in and out of the room. Someone was calling Harry’s name, broken, pleading cries. Louis felt arms wrap around his chest, dragging him backwards, away from Harry’s now still body, and it was only then that he realized that the screaming was coming from his own mouth. 

 

The door closed in front of his face, with Harry on one side and him on the other, and he struggled violently against whoever held him. He didn’t want to be out here, he wanted to be in there, he wanted to help Harry.

 

“Louis, stop. You can’t go back in.” A familiar voice reached his ears, but he still struggled.

 

“I have to, I have to be in there, I-”

 

“The doctors are going to save him. Please, Lou, you’re scaring me.”

 

Louis stopped struggling, feeling the fight leave him. He felt suddenly boneless, exhausted, and scared, and he turned, burying his face into his sister’s shoulder as his emotions overwhelmed him. He drew in short, choppy breaths, tears running down his cheeks, and he felt Lottie’s arms tighten around him, holding him close to her. 

 

“I can’t lose him, Lots, I can’t,” Louis sobbed, his heart feeling very nearly broken, his chest aching. 

 

“I know, Louis. I know. He’ll be alright,” Lottie said softly, rubbing his back. Louis appreciated the gesture, knew that it was all she could think to do at this point, but he knew her words were empty. 

 

He looked on, tears still streaming down his cheeks, as people rushed in and out of the room. He could see one of the nurses starting chest compressions as another charged up the defibrillators, and he choked on his own sobs. Harry was leaving him, was possibly already gone, and he couldn’t bear to watch it happen. He turned his face to hide it into Lottie’s shoulder again, hoping, praying.

 

*              *              *

 

The minutes ticked by, painfully, endlessly, and the door to Harry’s hospital room stayed firmly shut. Louis had finally managed to stop his tears, but he couldn’t breathe - it was like an elephant was sitting on his chest. 

 

He stood up, walking over to where Anne was sitting next to Robin, her eyes red rimmed. He suddenly felt a rush of self-hatred - here he was, focusing on his own pain, when Anne could very possibly be losing her son. He was ashamed, and immediately sat down next to her, hugging her, doing his best to comfort her. She hugged him back as she always had, her hand rubbing gently up and down his arm. 

 

“How long has it been?” Louis asked as he sat up, afraid to look at his phone. 

 

“Bout half an hour,” Jay answered, and a tense silence fell over them once more. Louis leaned back in his seat, hands rubbing over his face. He was tired, so fucking tired, but he couldn’t leave. He couldn’t relax. He just wanted to know if his best friend was alive.

 

When the silence persisted, Louis found himself restless, and stood up, pacing back and forth in front of the waiting room. He couldn’t think; there were too many emotions and thoughts churning in his mind. 

 

“Louis … please sit with me. You’re making me nervous,” Lottie said softly, standing up and tugging on his jumper sleeve. Louis allowed her to guide him back to a chair and he sat down, his leg bouncing up and down in lieu of the pacing. Even having his mum and sister there with him - they must have arrived moments before Harry had lost his heartbeat, because Louis didn’t remember them being there until Lottie had pulled him from the room - didn’t do anything to help him relax. Then again, he didn’t remember much of anything, other than the sight of his best friend’s lifeless body on the crisp white hospital bed, sheets in disarray, his limp wrist hanging over the side of the bed …

 

Louis pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes to force the tears away. He had to be positive. The more negative thoughts he had, the worse he felt, and his mum had always taught him to look on the bright side, even when there didn’t seem to be one. 

 

“Lou, I … I’m scared for you. I’ve never seen you like this. What’s going on?” Lottie asked, touching Louis’ arm. Louis turned to her, suddenly feeling a strong sense of exasperation. 

 

“What’s going on? My best friend is fucking dying, that’s what’s going on! What the fuck should I be doing right now, dancing around like a ballerina?” 

 

Jay looked taken aback at his words and went to speak, but Lottie interrupted her. “It’s fine, Mum, he’s just stressed and scared. Don’t worry. Now you,” she said, turning her attention to Louis again. Louis sat there, breathing hard and trying not to burst into tears again. “I’m very aware of the situation. I’ve just never seen you act so protective. Even when Daisy broke her arm at school and you met us at the hospital, you weren’t this … fired up, I guess.”

 

Louis rolled his eyes. “That’s because it was a broken arm. I knew she was going to be fine about three seconds after I stepped through the door. This is different. Harry’s heart literally stopped. I don’t even know if he’ll … I … I don’t know if I’ll ever hear his voice again, I don’t know …” Louis trailed off, his throat and eyes burning horribly. He couldn’t say it out loud, he couldn’t. It hurt too much. 

 

“I know,” Lottie said, her voice softening at once. “Just seems like maybe it’s more than you being worried for your best friend. It’s almost like you’re in-”

 

Whatever Lottie was going to say, Louis didn’t care, because at that moment, the door to Harry’s room swung open, and Dr. Tocatta stepped out. Louis was on his feet in moments, as were Anne, Robin, Gemma, Jay and Lottie, all of them waiting.

 

“Well, he’s still very much comatose, but we managed to regain a heartbeat and he’s stable now.”

 

Louis let out a sob of relief and dropped to his knees, taking in lungfuls of what seemed to suddenly be very clean air. Harry was alive. He was  _ alive _ .

 

“Do you know what happened?” Louis heard Anne ask, and Dr. Tocatta wiped at his forehead with his coat sleeve before continuing.  

 

“He seems to have experienced an early post-traumatic seizure. They often occur in patients with serious brain injuries. Considering the circumstances, and taking the cardiac arrest into account, I’d say we’re very lucky he survived this.”

 

“Is he likely to experience another?” Robin said, taking Anne in his arms as she cried quietly into his shoulder. Dr. Tocatta shook his head.

 

“This type of seizure usually only happens once, within the first few days after the brain injury occurs. And even so, there’s only a 25% chance that Harry would experience any type of seizure later on in his life. For now, however, our focus is to keep him breathing and stable, and hopefully see him wake fully from his coma.”

 

Louis listened as everyone thanked the doctor for his hard work, but he couldn’t find it in him to get up off the floor. He feared his legs would give out if he did.

 

“I’m afraid we can’t let you in to see him just yet. It may be a few hours yet until the nurses have completed their tests and made quite sure that he’s not going to experience another heart failure. You are welcome to stay out here, if you’d like, and the nurses will inform you when the time is suitable.”

 

There was another jumble of voices and thank yous, and Louis dragged himself into a chair, leaning over so he could calm himself down. He felt hands on his back, warm hands, and he looked up into the eyes of his mum and sister, both of whom were smiling at him. 

 

“He’s alright, Lou. He’s alright,” Jay whispered. Louis looked to Lottie, expecting her to continue whatever she had been saying before Dr. Tocatta had made his appearance, but she appeared to have either forgotten or decided the time wasn’t right, because she just smiled and continued to offer him comfort. 

 

Louis wanted to stand. He wanted to hug Anne and Robin and Gemma. He wanted to do something, but he couldn’t. He just locked eyes with Anne as she and Robin came back from the desk, and her gaze was enough to let him know that she knew what he was thinking, and she loved him for it. He sat up finally, tucking his legs up on the chair and laying his head sideways onto Lottie’s shoulder. He was so tired. He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget this was happening, and just have one moment of blissful peace where his best friend wasn’t dying.

 

He exhaled and let his eyes drop shut. Just a few minutes, he’d sleep for just a few minutes.

 

*              *              *

 

“Louis … love, wake up, now …”

 

Louis blinked slowly and then sat straight up, his vision going dark for a few seconds before he could focus again. He was still in the waiting room and his neck was aching from being hunched over for god knows how long. He looked up into Anne’s tired face and a million questions came to his lips, but he was too exhausted to ask any of them, only having enough energy for one word.

 

“Harry …”

 

“He’s stable. They let us in a while ago, but I figured it was best to let you get some rest.”

 

Louis licked his lips and stood up, rubbing at his sore neck. “Where’s everyone else?”

 

“They went home. Everyone’s crashing at our house, but I wanted to stay with him a bit longer. And I didn’t want to leave you here alone. Wanted to make sure you came home and got some proper sleep for once.”

 

“Can … can I see him?” Louis asked, too tired to be embarrassed by how desperate he sounded, and Anne nodded, a small smile playing around her mouth. 

 

“Of course. Was just going to ask if you wanted to join me.”

 

Louis nodded, rubbing at his eyes, and followed Anne slowly into Harry’s room. The machines were the only noise in the suffocating silence, and Louis felt an even deeper hatred for hospitals than ever before. He turned towards Harry’s bed, but he found himself rooted to the spot. Harry didn’t look any different than he had before his seizure, but Louis was afraid to go near him, for fear that he might have another. 

 

“It wasn’t your fault, Louis.” Anne’s voice reached his ears, soothing, a mother’s voice, but he shook his head, taking a step back.

 

“I was holding his hand when he … And then he was just dying, right in front of me …” Louis drew in painful breaths, fighting not to cry or break down, whichever came first. “I don’t know if I can … shit, I’m sorry.” Louis closed his eyes and clenched his fists. He hated that he felt this way, because every part of him was screaming at him to run to Harry and hold him in his arms and never let go, but he couldn’t move.

 

“I don’t blame you, and neither would Harry. He needs you, more than you know,” Anne said softly, and Louis felt her hand on his arm. He opened his eyes and stared into her eyes, so much like her son’s. He felt her hand slide into his and he let her lead him over to his best friend’s side. 

 

“H … I’m so sorry,” Louis said, his voice breaking. He sat down heavily in the chair that he’d been occupying for nearly two days, and Anne’s hand slipped from his as she headed to the chair on the other side of the bed. 

 

Louis reached out and brushed Harry’s cheek with his fingertips. He didn’t know what made him do it, but he just felt the need to touch Harry, to make sure that he was still there, alive and breathing, that his heart was beating again. 

 

“I don’t even understand …” Louis was mumbling to himself now, but he couldn’t keep all of his thoughts and worries in his head anymore. “I don’t get it, Anne. Why was he out that late anyway? Was he …” Louis looked up and saw Anne’s eyes avert quickly from his, and his stomach tightens with some sort of strange anticipation. “What is it? Is there something I’m missing here? Something you’re not telling me?”

 

He hoped he didn’t sound accusatory, and by Anne’s deflating expression, he worried that he had gone too far, but she just sighed and reached for Harry’s hand, patting it gently. 

 

“He … He was actually on his way to yours.”

 

Louis froze, and he pulled his hand away from Harry’s face in horror, his throat constricting. 

 

“He was … he … what?”

 

“He wanted to surprise you. Told me he was gonna head up early so he could spend a few more days with you,” Anne admitted sadly, and Louis stood up, feeling suddenly sick. 

 

“I … this is my fault.”

 

Anne shook her head furiously, standing up as well. “No, Louis. No. None of this was your fault, you must know that.”

 

“If he hadn’t been coming to see me … if he hadn’t been so mindnumblingly sweet in wanting those extra days …” Louis was gasping now, and Anne came hurrying around the bed to steady him as his knees gave way. 

 

“Louis,  _ Louis _ . Look at me.”

 

Louis forced his gaze up into eyes so much like Harry’s, trying to focus on taking proper breaths.

 

“I … I …”

 

“Harry wouldn’t ever blame you for any of this, and you shouldn’t be blaming yourself either. It was that other driver that was being a complete fucking prat.” Louis’ eyes widened - Anne hardly ever swore, which made Louis wonder sometimes where Harry got his foul mouth from. “You’re here now. You’re with him. I know the situation is … delicate, but nothing would make him happier than to know that his best friend is right here by his side.”

 

Louis nodded, swallowing hard and allowing Anne to guide him back into his chair. She stepped away, and Louis looked away, ashamed for how he’d reacted. He just hadn’t been able to help it … every moment he was reminded of what had happened caused him to imagine what Harry must have felt, how terrified he must have been as he was losing the ability to breathe. It killed him inside.

 

It was quiet for a few more moments before Anne spoke, her voice constricted with emotion. 

 

“He really loves you, you know that?”

 

Louis looked up and saw Anne staring at him over the bed. He cocked his head slightly, his eyebrows furrowing. This was the third person- possibly fourth, if Lottie’s statement had meant what Louis thought it meant - that was saying things like this to him, and at this point, he figured he must be missing something huge. 

 

“I mean, I’d be pretty stupid if I didn’t know how much my best friend loved me, to be honest,” Louis said back, trying to make light of the conversation, but Anne just shook her head.

 

“Both of you can be ridiculously oblivious sometimes, you know that?”

 

Louis said nothing to that, wondering what she could be talking about. Luckily, she kept going.

 

“I’ll just be honest with you then, Louis … Harry has only ever wanted to be around you. Even when you were kids, and he had so many friends, he was only ever asking for you to come over. When he wanted to move out, he asked if he could live with you. When I ask where he’s going on holiday, he always says he’s going to see you. His Louis. Doesn’t that mean something to you?”

 

Louis swallowed. “I … umm … I mean …”

 

“And I’m not trying to scare you, I’m just … I need to say this.” Anne took a deep breath, as though she was finally saying something that she’d been holding onto for years. “I knew that Harry loved you before Harry knew it. I’m his mum, I know these things. The way his eyes would light up when you walked into the room. How he would check his phone constantly when you were away. How whenever he said your name, his voice would take on this tone I rarely heard him use. I just knew. Just like I know that you feel the same for him, and you have for a long time.”

 

Louis felt himself blushing, and he looked away from her, certain that if he met her eyes, she’d see a truth in them that he wasn’t ready to confront yet. He couldn’t think about this right now.  He just wanted to go home and sleep.

 

“I … I think I just need to get some rest,” he said finally, and he looked up just in time to see Anne’s face fall. He kept his face calm as they stood and said goodbye to Harry, and though his instinct was to kiss Harry’s cheek, he wasn’t sure he could, and settled for taking Harry’s cool hand in his, squeezing it gently. They left quickly and told the nurses on the way out to have Dr. Tocatta call them if anything changed while they were gone.

 

The ride home was silent, and even when Louis hugged and kissed Anne goodnight, they didn’t speak. Louis walked up the stairs, past all the family photos and gorgeously placed Christmas decorations, and settled himself in Harry’s childhood bed. He didn’t even bother taking off his clothes - Harry’s clothes - he just curled up under the covers and pressed his face into the pillow, still catching a faint hint of Harry’s shampoo. It was only when the hallway light clicked off that he let tears slide down his cheeks, soaking the pillow beneath his head. For the first time since he was a confused teenager, he cried himself to sleep. 

 

*              *              *

 

**December 24th**

 

Louis was very surprised when he opened his eyes and found that it was morning already. He’d slept so badly the last few days that anything more than an odd hour here or there was strange. He sat up and shivered, burrowing deeper into the jumper he was still wearing. Harry was like a human furnace, always warm and always perfect for cuddling with, but right now, all Louis had were his clothes, and that would have to do. 

 

He showered quickly, pulling on the same jeans and another one of Harry’s jumpers before making his way downstairs. Everyone was already in the kitchen - Gemma and Robin were cooking, Anne and Jay were drinking their tea at the table, and Lottie was already tucking in to her pancakes and sausages. They all turned as Louis entered the kitchen.

 

“Good morning, my love. Did you get some sleep?” Jay asked, and Louis shrugged, detangling his head from a paper chain of snowflakes before settling at the table. 

 

“Guess so,” he mumbled, avoiding Anne’s gaze as he reached for the pitcher of water sitting on the surface of the table. He knew that she wouldn’t say anything about their discussion of the night before in front of his mum … or maybe she would, since they both believed that he and Harry were destined to be together and had told him as much - maybe they’d been discussing it in secret this whole time.

 

“Well, it’s Christmas Eve, and you know what that means,” Lottie said slowly through a mouthful of food, and Gemma turned around with a huge stack of pancakes with a candle stuck on top. 

“Happy birthday, Lou!” Gemma sing-songed, placing the plate in front of him. Louis blew out the candle rather quickly, only then realizing how hungry he was. Besides, he hadn’t even remembered it was his birthday till halfway through his shower that morning. It didn’t seem important, not with Harry in the hospital, and Louis really didn’t want a fuss. Not this year, at least. 

 

A calm, morning chatter filled the kitchen as everyone filled their plates and sat at the table, but Louis just looked around the room, not wanting any attention drawn to himself right now. He had a lot on his mind without having to answer questions or participate in conversation. His eyes caught on all the festive decorations - every available surface had been adorned with a small light up house, or a bottle full of lights, or a Christmas pillow. All Harry’s doing, as Louis knew full well. Harry loved Christmas more than any other time of year, and he was an expert decorator, which is why Louis hadn’t even bothered doing up his place - Harry would have just rearranged everything when he got there, anyway. 

 

It was then that the idea came to him, and it was so obvious that he nearly smacked himself in the forehead. He stood up and motioned for Gemma to follow him, knowing that she would probably be the only one that wouldn’t make fun of him for what he was planning to do. 

 

She followed him into the hallway, and Louis let the words tumble from his lips in a rush. “I want to decorate Harry’s room.”

 

Gemma stared at him, and Louis elaborated quickly. “It’s so bland and white and boring, and I know for a fact that Harry would hate waking up in a room like that around Christmas. I want to make it perfect.”

 

“I like that idea … I can help you with that. We can grab some stuff from the shops and meet everyone else at the hospital later?”

 

Louis nodded, glad that she wasn’t asking questions and just going along with it. Yet another thing that connected her with her brother - they were always up for an adventure. 

 

“Alright then … I’ll meet you at my car in an hour?”

 

“You got it.”

 

*              *              *

 

Louis walked into the hospital, arms laden with plastic shopping bags. He made sure to stop at the nurses station on Harry’s floor and make sure it was alright to do what he was planning, and once he was given the go ahead, he and Gemma hurried down the hall and dumped their bags on the floor, getting to work. 

 

“Louis, I’ve never seen that many lights. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Gemma asked with a laugh as Louis moved on from garland to lights, pulling out at least ten boxes of different types. Louis rolled his eyes at her.

 

“Harry’s favorite part of Christmas is the lights. We aren’t allowed a tree in here so I’m just going to create one on the wall with the lights.”

 

“Sure you’re up to the task, there, Tommo?” she replied with a smirk, and Louis chucked a box of lights at her.

 

“Maybe it’ll be a shitty tree, but Harry will appreciate the effort.”

 

“Fair enough,” Gemma said with a shrug, already taking the lights out of the package and plugging them in to the socket nearest the empty stretch of wall.

 

They worked for hours, through lunch and dinner, until the sky outside was dark and snow had started to dust the ground. The tiny flakes floated past the window, illuminated by the street lights outside, and Louis smiled, leaning back in his chair. Gemma was in a similar state of exhaustion next to Louis, and they just sat there in silence, admiring their handywork. 

 

The colored lights made a beautiful, yet slightly lopsided, tree on the wall opposite Harry’s bed, and the doorway and window were also outlined in lights. Tiny houses sat along the windowsill and garland was wrapped around every available surface, adorned with fake flowers and sparkly snowflakes. Louis himself had cut out some very interesting snowflakes out of extra paper and taped them to the windows, and the sill was lined with fake snow for the houses to settle in, like a tiny little Christmas village. And, as the finishing touch, next to the light tree was a stocking, hand knitted by Harry himself, with an ‘H’ on it. Louis had snagged it from the mantle at Anne’s house, thinking it would be nice for the holiday feeling to be complete. 

 

“Oh, Mum brought you this while you were in the loo earlier,” Gemma said, and she produced a plastic container. Inside was a large cupcake, iced with a beautiful white swirl and blue sprinkles. Louis teared up at the sight of it, remembering suddenly how Harry used to bake him a dozen cupcakes every year on his birthday. Gemma must have been remembering too, because she spoke then. “Mum and I figured we’d carry on his tradition in his … absence, of sorts. He never wanted you to feel like your birthday was just an add on to Christmas, so … here you go.”

 

Louis took the cupcake from her and swiped his finger in the icing, getting a quick taste. It was his favorite, Harry’s buttercream frosting, and before he knew it, he was licking the remains of cake and icing off his fingers, having downed nearly the whole thing in one. 

 

“Harry would love this,” Gemma said into the comfortable silence they’d settled into, gesturing out the window at the swirling snow. Louis nodded, still munching on his last bite of cupcake. “So … when are you gonna tell him that you’re completely gone for him?”

 

Louis choked and spluttered, finally managing to swallow the cupcake. He looked at Gemma through watery eyes. 

 

“I … don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, but every time he said it, he convinced himself less and less. 

 

“Oh, come on, Louis. Don’t lie and tell me you haven’t been waiting to do this for years,” Gemma insisted. Louis didn’t know what to say, so he just looked away, feeling his cheeks burning as his mind was consumed with every thought he’d fought to keep away for nearly 8 years.

 

“You’re so thick sometimes, you know that? How could you not know that he’s been in love with you since the day he met you? And how can you say you don’t feel anything for him? It’s written all over your face.”

 

Louis’ mouth was hanging open now as he searched for the words he wanted, but he had nothing other than a stutter of unintelligible syllables. Finally, he managed to speak properly. “Gemma … we’re just friends. We’ve always been just friends. It’s not like … I mean, nothing could ever …”

 

Gemma sighed, turning to face Louis fully. “If you were just friends, would you stay at a hospital for days on end with only hospital food to eat? If you were just friends, would you sit next to him, who, by the way, is completely unaware of your presence? If you were just friends, would you decorate his hospital room just on the off-chance that he wakes up in time for Christmas? No! You wouldn’t do that for just anyone.”

 

“Gemma, I … Harry and I, we … even if I did feel that way about him, he’d never … to him, I’ve always been his best friend, and that’s it.” Louis felt slightly sick as he got nearer and nearer to the emotions and feelings he’d been repressing for so long. 

 

Gemma looked over at Harry’s unconscious form and then back at Louis before speaking again. “Ok, I’m going to tell you something, and Harry would probably kill me if he knew I was telling you, but it’s better than watching you walk around with your head in your ass for another ten years, so here goes. So you remember when he came out to you, right?”

 

Louis was taken aback by the sudden change of subject, but he nodded, a small amount of pride welling up in him. “Yeah, course I do. I was the first person he told.”

 

She shook her head. “Actually, you were the second person. I was the first.” Louis stared at her, and she continued hastily. “He came to me when he was 15, the day before he told you, actually. And he was shaking and I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he was gay. And I told him that there was nothing wrong with that, but he just kept shaking his head. And then he started crying, and he said that he was in love with his best friend and that he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to lose you.”

 

Louis felt his throat constrict as his eyes filled with sudden tears, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t even move. Gemma wiped away a tear and continued with a sniff.

 

“I told him that if he really felt that way, he had to tell you. Because no matter what you said, you’d always be best friends. And so he told me that he would tell you the next day.”

 

Louis was confused now, because he knew that Harry had come out to him, but he definitely didn’t remember his best friend confessing his love for him on that occasion. So he waited. 

 

“And, as you say, he told you the next day. He came out to you, and you hugged him and told him that it was okay and that you still loved him. But he didn’t tell you the whole story, so I’m telling you now. He came home that night and I asked if he told you, and he said yes and no. And he explained that he couldn’t lose you. Not having you in his life wasn’t an option for him, and he said he’d much rather have you as his best friend than nothing at all. He would live with his feelings in silence if it meant that you would stay. And that’s what he’s done.”

 

Louis knew he was crying - he could feel hot tears sliding down his cheeks, but he couldn’t help it. Everything made so much sense now, and his own feelings were bubbling over the surface of his carefully constructed wall, crumbling it to pieces. 

 

Gemma’s hand was on his arm, and he was suddenly looking straight into her eyes. “Harry has been in love with you for so long, Louis. So fucking long. And you’ve been in love with him for just about the same amount of time. How it took you this long to realize, I’m not even sure, but … well, now you know the truth.”

 

She stood up, and Louis stood as well, wondering where she was going. She got to the door and looked back at him. “What you do with the truth now is up to you.”

 

The door closed behind her and Louis sank back into his chair, burying his face in his hands. He was such an idiot. He honestly couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been, and for how long he’d ignored what he felt. 

 

He reached out for Harry’s hand and gripped his fingers tightly, needing to hold onto him as he said what he was gearing up to say. Harry’s skin glowed with the castoff of the colorful lights, and Louis realized just how beautiful Harry was, even like this. He’d noticed before, but he’d never let himself appreciate it.

 

“Harry, I … I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hid it from you. I’m sorry you felt like you had to hide how you felt from me. I’ve … umm …” Louis wiped his eyes forcefully and redoubled his grip on Harry’s hand. “I’ve been in love with you for a long fucking time. You were the first boy I ever had a crush on … and no, Tommy Ludwig from secondary doesn’t count, I just thought he was cute. But never as cute as you … you’ve always been my adorable little curly boy.” He breathed deeply, tears still rolling down his cheeks. 

 

“I just never told you because I … I was scared. I couldn’t bear to lose you, not then, not now, not ever. And I never in my life thought that you could ever feel for me what I feel for you, so I just … kept it inside. You always said I was shit at hiding things from you, well … here we are.” He chuckled weakly, sniffling as he continued. “I love you, Harry Styles. I’ve loved you forever. I love how you smile every time I tell a joke, even when it isn’t that funny. I love the way your hair sticks up in all directions when you wake up in the morning. I love how you let me poke your dimples, even though you hate people touching your face. I love how cuddly you are, and how you always dealt with me being cold as fuck all the time. I …” Louis found himself crying again, but he kept going, his voice breaking every few words. “I love how excited you get when a new cookbook comes out, and how you spend all night cooking every single thing in it. I love how much you love Christmas, and how good you are at making any place feel festive. I love your beautiful green eyes and your curly hair. I loved how your lips felt when you kissed me under the mistletoe last Christmas.”

 

Louis’ breath hitched as the next words came to him, his heart breaking in his chest. “But I hate that I never told you any of this. I hate that I’m telling you now, when you can’t even hear me, like I’m some sort of fucking coward instead of brave, like you. I hate that you might never know how I feel about you, and you’ll leave me never knowing how in love with you I am.”

 

“I don’t know how to live without you. I can’t … I physically can’t go on without you in my life. I … I can’t stand the thought of never hearing you say my name again. I can’t stand it, knowing that I may never see your eyes again, or your smile. I hate it, knowing that I should have been right there with you, and I wasn’t - I was off in London and you were here and I wasn’t able to stop this from happening.”

 

Louis bowed his head, leaning it against the edge of the bed as sobs shook his body. “Please come back to me, Harry. Please. Don’t go … don’t leave me, not like this. Please … not like this.”

 

Louis couldn’t control himself, so he just let it all out. He sobbed and choked on his own tears, unable to stop as he held what little part of Harry he could hold, willing him with every fiber of his being to wake up.

 

Harry’s fingers twitched in Louis’ hand, and Louis’ head shot up, his tears stopping immediately. His eyes raked Harry’s body for any sign of more movement, but he saw nothing. Maybe Louis had moved Harry’s fingers for him, or maybe it was a trick, a sick joke that Louis’ mind was playing on itself. 

 

There was a sudden rattling gasp, and Harry’s eyes flew open, bright green and bulging, and he started choking on the breathing tube, his hands scrabbling at it as he tried to rip it out. Louis was on his feet in moments, sprinting for the door and calling for help, fresh tears running down his cheeks now. A nurse came running, and Louis hurried back to Harry, taking his hand again and applying gentle pressure. Harry’s eyes landed on him and Louis forced his fear away. He had to be there for Harry right now.

 

“Hey, Haz, you’re alright. She’s gonna take the breathing tube out. Just gotta relax a little, baby, you’re gonna be fine.” 

 

He continued in soothing tones, running his fingers over Harry’s palm as the nurse moved quickly, disconnecting the oxygen and then carefully removing them from Harry’s face. Harry coughed violently, taking in great gasps of air as he finally breathed on his own, and Louis watched him carefully, terrified that something bad was going to happen. This was too good to be true. 

 

Harry finally seemed to calm down, and he tried to sit up, wincing horribly. Louis watched his arms shake as he tried to support himself, and he put his arm around Harry’s shoulders, guiding him back down so he didn’t hurt himself. 

 

“L-Louis?”

 

Harry’s voice was raspy from days of not being used, but Louis didn’t care. The only thing on his mind was that Harry was awake, he was breathing and talking, and an overwhelming joy surged through his body. Before he knew it, he was leaning in, cupping Harry’s face gently as he pressed a firm kiss to his mouth. He let his lips linger there for a moment, feeling Harry’s soft lips moving against his. He pulled back as he realized what he was doing, but he wasn’t sure who was more shocked, Harry, or himself. 

 

“What the - HARRY!” Gemma was back, throwing her bag of crisps over her shoulder as she sprinted for her brother, and Louis backed away as they embraced, Harry just laying there as Gemma hugged him, sobbing into his shoulder. Louis sat back in his chair, closing his eyes and saying every prayer he could possibly come up with, thanking every god for this miracle. His hands were shaking as he wiped the sweat off on his jeans, and Gemma pulled away from Harry, touching his face and smoothing his hair. “I have to call mum and dad, H, I’ll be right back.”

 

She was gone in an instant, leaving Louis alone with Harry, and suddenly, he felt incredibly awkward. He’d just kissed his best friend, and said best friend had kissed him back. What were they supposed to do now?

 

“How … umm, how do you feel, H?” Louis asked, desperate to break the silence.

 

“Like I just got hit by a car,” Harry said slowly, and Louis thought he saw Harry’s mouth twitch in a smile. That was all they needed before they were both laughing, Louis’ emotions a mess of relief and happiness and nervousness. But for that moment, all awkwardness, all intense and heavy confessions, were gone, and they were just Louis and Harry. Just like always.

 

*              *              *

 

It was only half an hour before Harry’s room was full of people, and Louis happily faded into the background as Harry’s family surrounded him. He decided it was best to just let them have their moment, and he made his way down to the cafeteria, not really hungry, but just needing somewhere to go.

 

He sat himself down at an empty table by the door and fiddled with his fingers, trying to work over everything that was going on in his mind. He had confessed his biggest secret to Harry moments before he woke up - so had Harry heard it, or was it just luck that he’d come out of his coma right after Louis had finished talking? 

 

And why,  _ why _ had he kissed him? If he really thought back on it, it had just been instinct, but why did he have to do it, knowing that Harry probably had no inkling of his feelings for him and was definitely not expecting to have his best friend’s lips all over him moments after waking from a coma.  _ Well _ , Louis thought bitterly, hating himself for his reckless actions,  _ if he didn’t know how I felt before, he does now. _

 

“Mind if I join you?”

 

Louis looked up as his mum sat across from him, all kind eyes and a face full of relief and happiness. 

 

“Hey, Mum.”

 

Jay gave him a look and then smiled. “Great about Harry, yeah? Now we don’t have to worry … he’s gonna be alright.”

 

“Mum, I told Harry I was in love with him.”

 

Jay stopped talking, looking taken aback. “You … you did?”

 

“Yeah … while he was still unconscious. I just … I was talking to Gemma, and then all of you had said everything she was saying and I realized how much I was holding back, and I couldn’t keep it in any more and I just told him everything.”

 

“Well, that’s great, love!”

 

Louis gritted his teeth. “No … it isn’t. He didn’t hear a word I said, and when he woke up and said my name, I kissed him. Right on the mouth, no hesitation … and I hate myself for it. He’s gonna think I was just coming onto him because he was alive, out of my own sense of relief, and it will crush him. And I don’t know if I can tell him everything all over again.”

 

“Louis … listen to me, yeah? Harry would never think that. He knows that you do things because you want to, not out of any sense of duty or requirement. You just need to talk, both of you.”

 

Louis shook his head. “I can’t … he has to heal, get better, and there’s just so much going on-”

 

“You have to sort this out. He deserves to know the truth.”

 

Louis held eye contact with Jay for a while, and deep down, he knew she was right. But, if it was even possible, he was more scared of telling Harry a second time than he was of getting it out the first time. Eventually, however, he nodded, agreeing silently. They sat down there for a while before going back up, Louis’ hands shaking more and more violently the closer they got to Harry’s room. 

 

Anne, Robin, and Gemma were making their way out of the room as Louis and Jay approached, and Gemma grinned. 

 

“Harry’s been asking for you. Wants to know who did all the decorating and stuff,” Gemma said, and Louis nodded, ignoring how red his cheeks were at the mere mention of Harry’s name. With a deep breath, he made his way into Harry’s room, closing the door behind him and turning to face his conscious best friend at last. 

 

Harry looked better, but still a bit worse for wear. His skin was pale, much paler than usual, and the circles under his eyes and bruises on his milky skin stood out darkly. Louis saw Harry’s cheeks go scarlet, and watched as he tried to adjust his hospital gown to cover up the worst of it. Louis felt his heart sink - Harry should never try to hide himself, he was always beautiful. Always. 

 

“Well, uh … thanks, Lou, but I don’t think I’m looking all that great, to be honest.”

 

Harry’s voice cut through Louis’ thoughts, and he realized, with a great deal of embarrassment, that he’d spoken aloud, and now Harry was staring at him with those jewel bright eyes and Louis found himself unable to look away. 

 

“Gemma says you did all this, but I don’t believe her,” Harry said with a valiant attempt at his usual easy humor, but Louis knew that Harry was feeling vulnerable, and his resolve to tell him the truth right now was starting to dissolve. He didn’t want to cause him any more pain or embarrassment or stress. But not telling Harry how he felt now, even over this short amount of time, was killing him. 

 

“Umm, yeah, I did most of it. Gemma helped a little, but it was my idea. I wanted it to really be Christmas in here … it’s what you’d have done for me.”

 

Harry’s smile was blinding and Louis felt himself blushing, unable to control it. “You’re right, I definitely would have.” There was a beat of silence and then Harry’s smile grew wider, if that were possible. “You’re wearing my jumper.”

 

Louis looked down and and blushed, fiddling with the sleeve of the fabric. “Well, I didn’t exactly have time to pack, and this was all your mum had that might fit me, so I just … I hope that’s alright.”

 

Harry’s face softened, an expression that most people around them, their family members included, had dubbed his ‘Louis face’. “Love it when you wear my clothes. My tiny pixie Lou …”

 

“Oh, fuck off,” Louis grumbled, which made Harry giggle. If short jokes was what it took to make Harry happy, however, Louis would gladly listen to them all day. 

 

The silence that fell between them was the most awkward Louis had ever experienced, as they both kept their smiles intact, trying to ignore the huge elephant in the room. It was no use. Louis found himself staring at Harry’s lips, wanting nothing more than to kiss them again, to taste Harry, to be close to him in that way. 

 

“Umm …”

 

“So …”

 

They spoke at the same time and then laughed, the awkwardness both dispelling and growing, if that were at all possible. Louis moved, thinking of sitting down, but he was too antsy, and settled for pacing in front of Harry’s bed, rubbing his hands together.

 

“Did you wanna go first, then?” Harry asked him politely, and Louis felt his mouth go dry. Yes. Yes, he wanted to tell Harry everything. He wanted to confess his love for Harry and he wanted Harry to say it back and he wanted to kiss him silly, but he didn’t know if he could do it.

 

“I, umm … I …” Louis stuttered, mentally berating himself for not being able to speak proper English at the moment when he needed to the most.

 

“Hey, Lou, it’s okay,” Harry said softly, and Louis finally looked at him. His head was still wrapped up, but the bruises were slowly fading and his green eyes were as alive as ever. He was so beautiful. 

 

“I just don’t know how to say it all … again,” Louis finally admitted, rubbing at the back of his neck. Harry was still watching him, his gaze steady, and Louis opened his mouth, deciding to just say it and get it over with. “I’m in love with you.”

 

“Well, I thought that kiss established that, but go on,” Harry laughed, but Louis didn’t smile. His chest felt tight. 

 

“It’s not a joke, Haz. I’ve, well, it’s been a long time since I’ve known it, if I’m being honest with you. And I think I was wrong to not tell you, I was just … I was scared that you wouldn’t feel the same and I didn’t want to lose what we had just because of my stupid feelings.”

 

Harry’s smile had gone now, and he was staring down at his lap, his long fingers picking at the white hospital blanket. Louis could feel himself shaking but he continued, determined to say it all and make sure Harry knew everything. 

 

“And when … and when I got here and you were just lying there, I couldn’t … I couldn’t stand looking at you like that, helpless. And then your heart stopped beating, and I … I don’t know what I would have done if you’d died. I can’t imagine my life without you. There is no life if you’re not in it. That’s just it. And I knew that already, but I think it just hit me when I was losing you that I would never be able to survive you leaving me like that.”

 

Louis wiped furiously at the fresh tears on his cheeks, and he saw Harry trying discreetly to wipe at his own eyes. He hadn’t meant to make Harry cry, and he desperately wanted to comfort him, to hold him until he stopped being sad, but he felt like Harry might want his space. 

 

“Anyway, umm, I just … seconds before you woke up I was begging you not to leave me, and when you were looking at me, when I could see your eyes and hear your voice, I just got overwhelmed and I … I shouldn’t have kissed you, I’m sorry. It doesn’t have to happen again. It won’t, if you don’t want it to.”

 

Louis pressed his lips together, having said what he needed to say. And he waited, with bated breath, for Harry to say something back. 

 

“Lou … will you come over here?”

 

Harry was gesturing for him to sit down, not in a chair as he usually did, but on the edge of the bed, and Louis hesitated, wondering if Harry was planning to try and let him down gently. But Harry’s gaze was so pleading, so honest, that he had no choice but to obey. He settled himself on the very edge of the flat mattress and waited. 

 

“When I was 15, I came out as gay. You remember, right?”

 

Louis nodded, wondering if this was going where he thought it was going, but he didn’t interrupt.

 

“And I know I told you that you were the first person I told, but I actually went to Gemma. I had to, because you were the reason that I knew I wasn’t straight. And I had no idea how to tell you that without you leaving me.”

 

Louis sat quietly, hearing the story for the second time as Harry told it. Somehow, it hurt more when Harry was saying it, and Louis found himself continuing to cry as Harry finished. 

 

“I never told you for the same reason you didn’t tell me. And I wanted to tell you so many times. I wanted you to know everything. Last year at the Christmas party was the first time I got up the courage, and I was so drunk that the only way I could think of to clue you in was kissing you.”

 

Louis laughed at that, and Harry grinned a little as well. “That was one amazing kiss, you know?” Louis said with a shrug, and Harry rolled his eyes. 

 

“Of course I know, I’m a fantastic kisser.”

 

“I’d really like to do it again, if you want.”

 

The words were out of Louis’ mouth before he knew what he was saying, but he didn’t regret them at all. Harry’s eyes widened, but he nodded and reached for Louis’ hand. Louis felt Harry’s warm fingers wrap through and around his own, and a sudden feeling of contentment spread through him from head to toe. He leaned in, cupping Harry’s cheek, and they just looked at each other, staring, admiring. 

 

“You’re so beautiful,” Louis murmured, and Harry shook his head.

 

“Look like shit, Lou. I’m all bruised and cut and-”

 

“You’re always beautiful to me,” Louis whispered, finally pressing his lips gently to Harry’s. 

 

This kiss felt more like their first than either of the others. This kiss was tentative, soft, exploratory, and Louis couldn’t get enough of it. Harry’s lips very nearly encased his, and Louis felt them part as Harry’s tongue slid between Louis’ own, deepening their kiss. A whimper made its way out of Louis’ throat and he pulled Harry in closer, needing more, wanting so much more. 

 

They broke apart and leaned their foreheads together, trying to catch their breath. Louis felt warm all over, his skin tingling where Harry’s fingers had been.

 

“I … god, I love you, so much,” Harry whispered, and Louis just nodded, pressing their lips back together almost immediately. 

 

“Loved you for so long, H,” Louis said against Harry’s lips, and Harry’s answering moan was agreement enough for Louis. They didn’t stop until an irritating beeping sound became too prominent to ignore, and Louis pulled away, laughing into Harry’s neck. 

 

“What?” Harry asked, clearly confused. 

 

“Your heart monitor is betraying you,” Louis huffed, and he pulled back just in time to see Harry pout. 

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Nah. I rather like embarrassing you.”

 

Harry rolled his eyes and then his face lit up curiously. “What day is it? They didn’t bother clueing me in.”

 

Louis looked over at the clock on the wall and smiled. 11:58 pm. “Well, technically, it’s still Christmas Eve.”

 

Harry’s eyes widened again. “It’s your birthday? And you weren’t going to tell me?”

 

Louis shrugged. “I wasn’t really focused on it being my birthday, honestly. I was more worried about you than some stupid celebration.”

“It’s not stupid,” Harry said firmly, reaching up to stroke Louis’ cheek. Louis leaned into the touch, loving that he could feel what he felt without embarrassment or an attempt to hide it now. “It’s your birthday, and that’s important.C’mere, wanna give you your birthday present.”

 

“You can’t possibly have it on you right now,” Louis laughed, but Harry puckered his lips unnecessarily, and Louis grinned, indulging Harry in another kiss.

 

“That’s for your birthday. And now …” Harry watched the clock for a few seconds and then smiled. “And this is for Christmas.” Harry bestowed yet another kiss upon him and Louis sighed into it, never wanting to lose the feeling of Harry’s lips on his. 

 

“So … what was that big Christmas surprise you told me about on the phone?” Louis asked, playing with Harry’s fingers. Harry blushed furiously. 

 

“I, uh, well … I was driving up early to see you. Guess we know how that turned out. But I was going to tell you how I felt, finally. I thought it was about time I stopped hiding it from you.”

 

“Oh, darling,” Louis said, pulling Harry closer and pressing their lips together once more.

 

“Well it’s about time.”

 

Anne’s voice rang through the quiet hospital room and Louis broke away from Harry, his cheeks flaming.

 

“Mum, really?” Harry complained, and Anne just laughed. 

 

“I’ll leave you boys to it, then. Just wanted to wish you both a Merry Christmas.” She grinned and slipped back out into the hallway, no doubt telling everyone out there what she’d just witnessed. 

 

“Sorry about that,” Harry mumbled, looking embarrassed, but Louis just laughed, tucking two fingers under Harry’s chin and tilting his face up. 

 

“Wouldn’t want it any other way. I have you. That’s all that matters.”


End file.
